the fiction we live

I am finished doing things to please others. This is my life and I'm going to enjoy it the way I want to enjoy it. I don't know what I want to do but I'm definitely not going to let someone force me to decide right away. It sucks that because of this, Wade and I are no longer speaking. He wants all or nothing. So he doesn't even want to be friends. It's too bad but I'm sick of people making me feel bad. Every time I come to Sarasota I end up feeling like shit. That is why I'm just hanging out with people I actually want to hang out with and want to hang out with me. This trip has really shown me who my true friends are. It has also shown me that I have really changed since I moved away from home. I have definitely changed for the better. I'm really loving the person that I am becoming. I used to think people who were searching for themselves were crazy but I now understand what they mean. I am searching for myself. It's a very confusing but fun adventure. I'm learning more about myself everyday.


On a different note..it's nice to be on vacation. Sarasota sucks but it's been nice seeing my friends and just relaxing. I've missed sleeping in my bed. Oh and I've put some more thought into tattoos. I still don't think i will get one but I thought of another tattoo idea. There's this song called Green Hell and Pepper sings it and it has a line that says "the sun screams louder at night." I'm going to have my tattoo say that and then have the heroes eclipse.( pictured above) I probably won't get one but it's fun to think about. Who knows.


I hadn't blogged in a while but I finally did. yay!

beast of burden

So there have been many thoughts floating in my mind lately. Many about life. What is the purpose of me being here on earth? What am I supposed to do? And then it hits me that life is pretty short and I should not be wasting it on worrying about minor details in my existence. I should be enjoying it as much as possible. I should go out there and learn as much as I can, party as much as I can, and spend as much time as I can with loved ones.
Also, I have been feeling like there is something missing in my life. There is a sort of emptiness in my heart like there is supposed to be something there but it's not. I would love to discover what it is.
One other thing that has been on my mind is the exboyfriend. Give him a second chance or no?

I want to write more but I am unable to at the moment. This blog may be deleted in the morning when I end up reading what I wrote. hehe

Gobble, Gobble

I'm thankful for the friends that I have. I would be nothing without them. I'm thankful for the good memories I have made over the years. I am thankful for beer because without it I wouldn't have had as many memorable moments in life.

time to move on

I have come to the conclusion that it is time to move on. I should have come to this conclusion a long time ago but I have finally put my foot down. I am finished and I am staying away from the male species for a long time. I say this all the time but I really mean it. At least until I break down this wall that I have that is disabling me from having any intimate relationship with a guy. I am 18 years old and I have plenty of time for that in the future anyways. Right now I just need to focus on myself and focus on enjoying life as much as possible.
I cannot wait to go home. It feels like it has been forever. Hopefully I'll be able to finish this english paper that I have to write. I've been too distracted to be able to complete it. Go to the west lawn tonight at 8:30. It's going to be Lounge on the Lawn. Open Mic. I hope to see you guys there.

I am extremely embarrassed. I acted like an idiot tonight. I need to take a break from drinking. I detest acting like such an immature girl. I apologize to everyone that had to deal with me crying again. I also apologize for not going through with my bet. I don't like to break promises or things of that sort and I feel like a pussy bitch.

Hope

This weekend was extremely fantastic even though I can't remember half of it. The party at Kristy's on Friday was good. I met a bunch of people that I hadn't yet talked to which was nice. I now have the image of Sean pushing Crystal and her toppling over in my head and it just keeps replaying over and over. Hahaha. But I must say Saturday beat Friday without a doubt. I have never been that drunk in my life and I hope to never be like that again. I normally don't forget things but there are parts of the night that I truly don't remember and it's a little bit terrifying. What I learned from this weekend is that I have some really good friends that I can trust. I want to thank those people that helped me as I was stumbling around saying stupid shit and those that made me feel better as I was shedding drunken tears. I must say I think the best part about last night is the text I sent to Roy. I'm drunk I'm sorry I want ass. hahaha.

So tomorrow we are going bowling. $5 to bowl and that also includes shoes. I am stoked. Then the shield Tuesday! On Wednesday there is a survivor of the Holocaust coming to speak at school. I am definitely going to go listen.

Now I will leave you with this song:

Hope - Sublime

How can you say.
"You torture me",
when you're already thinking about someone else.
When he comes home you'll be in his arms and I'll be gone.
But I know my day will come,
I know someday I'll be the only one.

So now you wait for a spark,
you now it will turn you on.
He's gonna make you feel the way you want to feel.
When he starts to lie,
when he makes you cry you'll now I'll be there.
My day will come,
I know someday
I'll be the only one.

Call me selfish,
call it what you like I think it's right.
To want someone for all your own and not to share their love.
But I'll have my way.

You don't stand a chance anyway.
Cause I got to you,
you don't stand a chance.

So now you wait for his cock,
you know it will turn you on.
He's gonna make you feel the way you want to feel.
When he starts to lie,
when he makes you cry you'll now I'll be there.
My day will come,
I know someday I'll be the only one.
My day will come,
I know someday I'll be the only one.

You say you want perfection,
I see your self destruction.
You don't know what you want,
it's gonna take you a year to find out.
I am not givin up.
And when you've had enough,
you take your bruised little head
and you'll come running back to me
I know that I will be the only one.

So I read over my last blog and it seemed like I was complaining a whole lot. Although bad things do happen to good people, the bad things do sometimes come with the good. I just have to put things into perspective. I have an awesome family and amazing friends. I'm in college and enjoying myself here. I'm not stuck in shitty Sarasota. I really have no right to be complaining. I have one thing not really going for me but it might work in the end. I'm hoping for the best.

I was speaking to my good friend, Meghan, a little earlier today and we decided that when we graduate from college we are going to take a year off and travel the world. I have 3 and a half years to get everything planned and get enough money to spend. It's something I have always wanted to do and it is going to happen. It is going to be such a fantastic experience. I'm going to learn about so many different cultures and witness things I have never seen in my life. I can't wait to do this it's going to be so fun especially with Meghan.

The Shield tonight! What an excellent show.

An Epic of Time Wasted

Yesterday I found a bag of weed on the ground walking down Treasure Street. It is pretty ironic that I found such a treasure on treasure st. Anyways by the help of smoking some of that weed and talking to my dear, best friend Dangie, I have come to the realization that bad things happen to good people. Dangie is probably one of the nicest, most amazing person that I know in existence. She only deserves the best but for some reason bad things keep happening to her. I just don't understand. I am happy she is now out of the hospital because I was worried. Hopefully they take the tube out of her really soon. Now she has to deal with a few other obstacles in her life and it just sucks especially since I can't do anything to help her. It is sad that we live so far away from each other.
I found out a few days ago that my mom went to the dermatologist to get a mole on her head checked out and it was found to be cancerous. I was really taken aback when I heard of this. I guess they should be able to just cut it out but I am still nervous about it. Thinking about it just makes me go insane. Life without my mom is just unimaginable.
I really think and hope that the only reason bad things happen to good people is so that they become better and stronger people for being able to withstand all the hits that they received. Once the bad things pass there will only be good things that will happen to them.
And please answer me this. Do I have to be a fat, crazy bitch to get a guy? I'm going to stop being nice, I'm to stop caring, I'm going to stop trying. Obviously having a girl that will actually treat them right is a big turnoff for guys. They just want to be treated like shitbags. It's completely ridiculous. Why do men and women have to play games with each other? Why can't people just be honest with each other? Why do we have to play hard to get? Oh well I am going off on a rant. I am just tired of having to put some much work in getting what I actually deserve. I deserve a guy that will treat me well. I do not deserve to be treated like shit. I think the good girls should get what they deserve. But that will never happen. The bad girl always gets the guy.
Someday I hope that I get what I deserve and that a guy is fighting to be with me. I am tired of doing all the fighting. I am finished trying so hard, if you're interested then you can fight to get me. I'm exhausted and I can't deal with my heart beating 100 miles a minute.

I just remembered this song and I hope that I find a guy that I can play this to someday.

Yet Again

Once again my shyness has ruined a possibility of a good relationship.  I do not understand why I have to become so timid around the boys that I actually see a future with.  I just need time to relax in front of them and show them who I really am.  I have so much to talk about, I have so many secrets I want to unleash, and I want to pour my soul out. All I need is some time and you will be pleasantly surprised.  But now it is too late and I am left here alone yet again.  My being shy may have been cute when I was a young child but now it has just become a complete nuisance and I can't take it anymore.  I just can't help it though and it really sucks.  I wish there was a way to change this situation or at least not feel so terrible.  I just wish that he knew that if he were to give me some time I could be the best girl to ever come into his life.  I won't treat him like shit. I'm not a crazy bitch. I'm an easygoing girl.  If he wanted it, I would give him the world.  But because of this ridiculous quality of mine I ruined my chance with this great guy.

The moon is so beautiful tonight.

So pretty much, life is fantastic! These two past days have been so awesome.  Yesterday I found out that my paper that I thought was due November 3rd is actually due November 10th, I found my Halloween costume, thank God, and it originally was $24.99 but it was on sale for $17. Woowoo! Then I hung out with a certain someone and it got me super stoked.  Then today was just great. Free taco from taco bell, then later on watched this show called 'The Shield' which is badass. Then something amazing happened later tonight but I will not share that with you. All I can say is life is pretty brilliant.

Tomorrow we're going on a free ghost tour so that should be good. I'm excited!

So if you haven't already noticed, it's getting cold as balls.  I detest the cold but I'm happy that I get to wear all my cool winter clothing.

Halloween is on Friday! My favorite holiday. Crystal and I are dressing up as Vikings. Dave is having a kickass party and it's just going to be a good ol' time.

Goodnight my friends. So long and goodnight.

This past weekend was a lot of fun. I had an extremely good time. I enjoyed myself Friday night but Saturday night was definitely the best. We went to a blacklight party which was really tight. There was hunch punch, which tasted pretty fantastic, a keg, beer pong, which I dominated at,karaoke, and a fire.  I don't think it could have gotten better than that.  At one point I told this guy that I was the queen of a planet called Achmed and we shrunk into a gun/spaceship and flew to the planet. When we arrived, I started shooting people with the gun but he saved the people with the "love stick" which was a fat glow stick and only I was allowed to hold that stick unless you had a story to tell.  Haha. 

The weekends go by so fast. Thursday is going to be a nice day. My class was cancelled and I'm going to Halloween Horror Nights that night. If anybody wants to do something fun Wednesday night, just let me know.

Crystal and I decided instead of being Lois and Peter, we are going to be vikings. I think it's going to be pretty badass. She and I have begun to learn to hardcore dance. I think that we are doing well. We've got mad skills. I can't wait to show it off at the next show. It is going to be great. 

Oh, I almost forgot to write that I taught myself how to play the intro to Emily by From First to Last on the guitar tonight. I love that song a lot along with Autumn's Monologue by From Autumn to Ashes. I've been listening to Autumn's Monologue tonight and remembered just how wonderful it is.

Time for bed. Goodnight.

ben wah balls

I'm really missing Dangie and I can't wait to see her next weekend. She possibly will be moving here to St.Augustine which will be the shit.  Speaking of the shit that is the one word that describes Crystal and I except you have to pronounce it in one word. THESHIT! haha. Last night was fun but tonight will be crazy insanity.  We made shirts for tonight. haha. I will post up pictures tomorrow, most likely.

How should I even begin? The Underoath show was amazing! Besides Underoath, I saw The Devil Wears Prada and Saosin.  I have to say I had an excellent time. 

I decided to stand in the front for Underoath but as soon as they began playing I found out that it was a bad idea.  Everybody went insane which obviously would happen at an Underoath concert.  Anyways, I found myself on the floor and if it wasn't for Adam I would most likely be dead.  He pulled me from the ground but then I fell again almost immediately and as Adam pulled me up again he got nailed in the nose.  My shirt is covered in his blood.  It's pretty badass, not going to lie.  It was an awesome/intense show.  I'm glad that I went.  

 

Next show: Chiodos, Silverstein, and Escape the Fate - November 2

to those with dirty minds

      This is what it means to double fist.

  

    

When I Get Home, You're So Dead

I'm sick of receiving threats online.  It's absolutely ridiculous especially when it is coming from a 23 year-old mother.  Oh well.  

I am so stoked for tomorrow. I am seeing Underoath, The Devil Wears Prada, and Saosin. It's going to be a kickass show. 

The week seems to be going extremely fast. 

Soon it will be Saturday and I will get completely obliterated.  I will be taking shots, double fisting, and beer bonging it all night.  And let us not forget about beer pong. I will dominate. 

I cannot wait until that night comes.

Farewell, I will blog later.

insomniatic meat

It's 3:35 in the morning and I am wide awake.  I think that I may have a case of insomnia but it seems to me that a lot of people in college have that. I never go to bed until at least 4 a.m.  There's a few things running around in my mind right now. Wade might be joining his old band that just got signed. They are going to be touring which means he will rarely be in Florida and I'll see even less of him which sucks but it's a really amazing opportunity and I want him to do it.  

There's other stuff that I'm thinking about but I'd rather keep it to myself. I think I'm going to go lay down. 

Goodnight.

stumbling down the road

Last night was a lot of fun. I really enjoy walking around the streets of St.Augustine stumbling into parties.  I'm really happy that I moved here.  I'm even happier to know that my friends Dangie, Heather, and Meghan are most likely all moving here in January.  Life is pretty excellent besides the fact that I have 2 chapters to read in Social Problems by Tuesday.  I do not know how I'm going to do that.  

All right well I think I am about done blogging.  I'm going to the Greek Festival but I'm waiting for Crystal to get here. I will play Tony Hawk's Underground as I wait.  I'm so stoked that my gamecube games work on my wii.

Pow right in the kisser.

this is it

i have joined the world of blogging.

give me some waffle fries, bitch.