the fiction we live

I am finished doing things to please others. This is my life and I'm going to enjoy it the way I want to enjoy it. I don't know what I want to do but I'm definitely not going to let someone force me to decide right away. It sucks that because of this, Wade and I are no longer speaking. He wants all or nothing. So he doesn't even want to be friends. It's too bad but I'm sick of people making me feel bad. Every time I come to Sarasota I end up feeling like shit. That is why I'm just hanging out with people I actually want to hang out with and want to hang out with me. This trip has really shown me who my true friends are. It has also shown me that I have really changed since I moved away from home. I have definitely changed for the better. I'm really loving the person that I am becoming. I used to think people who were searching for themselves were crazy but I now understand what they mean. I am searching for myself. It's a very confusing but fun adventure. I'm learning more about myself everyday.


On a different note..it's nice to be on vacation. Sarasota sucks but it's been nice seeing my friends and just relaxing. I've missed sleeping in my bed. Oh and I've put some more thought into tattoos. I still don't think i will get one but I thought of another tattoo idea. There's this song called Green Hell and Pepper sings it and it has a line that says "the sun screams louder at night." I'm going to have my tattoo say that and then have the heroes eclipse.( pictured above) I probably won't get one but it's fun to think about. Who knows.


I hadn't blogged in a while but I finally did. yay!

beast of burden

So there have been many thoughts floating in my mind lately. Many about life. What is the purpose of me being here on earth? What am I supposed to do? And then it hits me that life is pretty short and I should not be wasting it on worrying about minor details in my existence. I should be enjoying it as much as possible. I should go out there and learn as much as I can, party as much as I can, and spend as much time as I can with loved ones.
Also, I have been feeling like there is something missing in my life. There is a sort of emptiness in my heart like there is supposed to be something there but it's not. I would love to discover what it is.
One other thing that has been on my mind is the exboyfriend. Give him a second chance or no?

I want to write more but I am unable to at the moment. This blog may be deleted in the morning when I end up reading what I wrote. hehe

Gobble, Gobble

I'm thankful for the friends that I have. I would be nothing without them. I'm thankful for the good memories I have made over the years. I am thankful for beer because without it I wouldn't have had as many memorable moments in life.

time to move on

I have come to the conclusion that it is time to move on. I should have come to this conclusion a long time ago but I have finally put my foot down. I am finished and I am staying away from the male species for a long time. I say this all the time but I really mean it. At least until I break down this wall that I have that is disabling me from having any intimate relationship with a guy. I am 18 years old and I have plenty of time for that in the future anyways. Right now I just need to focus on myself and focus on enjoying life as much as possible.
I cannot wait to go home. It feels like it has been forever. Hopefully I'll be able to finish this english paper that I have to write. I've been too distracted to be able to complete it. Go to the west lawn tonight at 8:30. It's going to be Lounge on the Lawn. Open Mic. I hope to see you guys there.

I am extremely embarrassed. I acted like an idiot tonight. I need to take a break from drinking. I detest acting like such an immature girl. I apologize to everyone that had to deal with me crying again. I also apologize for not going through with my bet. I don't like to break promises or things of that sort and I feel like a pussy bitch.

Hope

This weekend was extremely fantastic even though I can't remember half of it. The party at Kristy's on Friday was good. I met a bunch of people that I hadn't yet talked to which was nice. I now have the image of Sean pushing Crystal and her toppling over in my head and it just keeps replaying over and over. Hahaha. But I must say Saturday beat Friday without a doubt. I have never been that drunk in my life and I hope to never be like that again. I normally don't forget things but there are parts of the night that I truly don't remember and it's a little bit terrifying. What I learned from this weekend is that I have some really good friends that I can trust. I want to thank those people that helped me as I was stumbling around saying stupid shit and those that made me feel better as I was shedding drunken tears. I must say I think the best part about last night is the text I sent to Roy. I'm drunk I'm sorry I want ass. hahaha.

So tomorrow we are going bowling. $5 to bowl and that also includes shoes. I am stoked. Then the shield Tuesday! On Wednesday there is a survivor of the Holocaust coming to speak at school. I am definitely going to go listen.

Now I will leave you with this song:

Hope - Sublime

How can you say.
"You torture me",
when you're already thinking about someone else.
When he comes home you'll be in his arms and I'll be gone.
But I know my day will come,
I know someday I'll be the only one.

So now you wait for a spark,
you now it will turn you on.
He's gonna make you feel the way you want to feel.
When he starts to lie,
when he makes you cry you'll now I'll be there.
My day will come,
I know someday
I'll be the only one.

Call me selfish,
call it what you like I think it's right.
To want someone for all your own and not to share their love.
But I'll have my way.

You don't stand a chance anyway.
Cause I got to you,
you don't stand a chance.

So now you wait for his cock,
you know it will turn you on.
He's gonna make you feel the way you want to feel.
When he starts to lie,
when he makes you cry you'll now I'll be there.
My day will come,
I know someday I'll be the only one.
My day will come,
I know someday I'll be the only one.

You say you want perfection,
I see your self destruction.
You don't know what you want,
it's gonna take you a year to find out.
I am not givin up.
And when you've had enough,
you take your bruised little head
and you'll come running back to me
I know that I will be the only one.